


Don't Hold Me Back

by DrunkenWriter



Category: EXO
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-25 11:31:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14377737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrunkenWriter/pseuds/DrunkenWriter
Summary: Yifan wait for the sun to setsJunmyeon wait for the sun to rises





	Don't Hold Me Back

**Author's Note:**

> Not really confident to post this. Also sorry for the grammatical error(s)

_We lean against each other_  
_Facing different point_

Junmyeon thought Yifan’s behaviour was normal. They just debuted under the big three. They bore such a huge burden. Since their seniors at company are well-known with a long list of records and achievements. Even, some people called them as flop.

  


So that was why Junmyeon didn’t ask Yifan much. Especially when his co-leader often threw his gaze outside the van. Or when Yifan was too preoccupied with his phone. Maybe Yifan was tired, maybe Yifan missed his family, maybe Yifan was thinking about those bad comments about him—about his, their group.

  


But never, even once, Junmyeon thought; maybe Yifan was tired of this all, maybe Yifan started to wondering ‘is this even worth it’, or what even is he doing now.  
Junmyeon has and has set a goal which keeps him to look forward. Meanwhile, Yifan always looked at different sides.

 

_You wait for the sun to sets_  
_I wait for the sun to rises_

Junmyeon knew, he’s not a manifestation of sun like Baekhyun, or happy virus like Chanyeol. But Junmyeon dare to admit that he’s quite optimistic. He was a trainee for seven years in the company. That was enough to taught him about being optimist.

  


Therefore Junmyeon was really really optimist about his group. He didn’t give any single damn about those scorns. Because in fact, those will remain as long as they exist. They’re a star, an idol, for sake. Therefore Junmyeon always greeted morning with such optimism. He would definitely show everyone that his group isn’t a flop. That they would be successful in their own way.

  


A little Junmyeon did know that Yifan was the opposite of him.

  


Yifan never waited for the morning to come. He waited for the night instead. When their van traveled in less dense or even quite road. When they got a chance to sleep although it was just for an hour or two. When their mind was preoccupied by philosophical thoughts. When the longing burnt his heart, squeezed their heart. When all ‘why’ poisoned their mind. 

 

_Allow me to go_  
_What will change is that I don’t belong to you anymore_

When Junmyeon realized everything, it was too late.  


It all started when they got the luxury to sleep more than three hours. Yifan sent him a message, personally. Asked him out to grab some food and fresh air. It was quite risky. First, it was almost midnight and they had a super tight schedule ahead. Two, if their manager found out, they would be scloded for sure. Comeback schedule means to limit what they eat. But Junmyeon answered ‘yes’ eventually.  


So after they put some disguise—long coat, hat, mask—those leaders went to a chinese restaurant not so far from their dorm. It took them approximately fifteen minutes by taxi. There weren’t much conversations beside works. Nor when they ate.  


Yifan isn’t the talkactive type. Junmyeon knows that. But this time, Yifan was more quite than usual. And it was abnormal. Something was wrong. But before Junmyeon could speak his mind up, he was being faced by something that never cross his mind before.  


“I want to leave EXO.” That sentence was striking like a hurricane.  


There was a silence for a few moment before Junmyeon asked “Why?” with trembling lips.  


Yifan shook his head slowly. “I ... I can’t. All of these, I can’t go on.”  


One more why and the exact same answer was all Junmyeon get. And then another silence fell.  


“Is it because those bad comments?” Junmyeon asked.  


Yifan shook his head again. “No. But yeah, I think ... maybe yes, maybe no. I am such a hole for the group, Jun. I am suck at dance, and more suck at singing. Even my rap is just average. A visual without capability.” Yifan smiled in pity. “But really, it’s not because of those.”  


“Then why?”  


“Like what I said before, I can’t go on,” said Yifan. “I can’t do the things that I want. I can’t even rest properly to maintain my back condition.”  


“Then what about the group?”  


“They’ll be fine. They still have you.”  


Suddenly, the melancholy turned to anger. Junmyeon stood up and grabbed Yifan’s collar, threw him to the floor with all his power. Luckily, the restaurant was quite. There was only two waitresses who looked at them curiously but didn’t have the gut to separate them.  


“Fuck you, Yifan!” Junmyeon dropped any modesty.  


An urgency to beat Yifan up crept in Junmyeon. He really did that, he really beat Yifan up. Not only once, twice, or thrice. He did that everytime Yifan would get up.  


“How dare you said that! You scoundrel!”  


Junmyeon was enveloped in anger. He only need two damn sentences to triggered him. They will be fine. They still have you. Fuck, does Yifan forget that he is also a leader?!  


“Where is your responsibility, asshole?!” Junmyeon still kicked Yifan. “How can you throw everything to me?! Fuck!”  


Junmyeon keep kicked Yifan until his emotions, his energy, drained. And Yifan just took everything in silence.

 

_I’ve tried everything_  
_So that we’ll be together_  
_But what remains in this story is_  
_Only I am afraid of losing you_

When Yifan was absent from their group’s activity and chose to take a flight to Canada for the umpteenth times, Junmyeon just kept quite. Not my bussiness, he said. But deep inside his heart, Junmyeon was concerned. He let Yifan go to Canada because he knew the taller man missed his home, his family. And Junmyeon know that longing is severe, onerous. So Junmyeon let Yifan go.  


With a tiny hope that Yifan will stay in their group.  


After the night where Junmyeon beat Yifan up, Junmyeon’s behaviour changed. He paid more attention to Yifan. Showering the older with his affection and attention. Like what happened that night never happened. Like all of his anger has gone. But the truth was no, Junmyeon just suppressed his emotion and put his logic ahead. Junmyeon was afraid if he couldn’t hold his emotion back, Yifan would leave him eventually.  


Then Junmyeon started to give more attention, way more intense than before. Verbally nor physically—a pat on the taller’s shoulder, holding hands, and such—as his sign that he got Yifan’s back. That Yifan wasn’t alone.  


_How was your day?_  


_Have you eaten? How about grab some food together?_  


_Fighting!_  


_Are you free now?_  


_We got some spare time tomorrow, what you wanna do?_  


_Look at your horrible eye-bag, did you not get enough sleep? Did you sleep well?_  


_I heard you wrote some lyrics, would you let me know?_  


_Hey, good job for today!_

Junmyeon didn’t want to admit the truth. The truth that he was the one who afraid if Yifan would leave him behind. The truth that he was afraid he would lose a place to hold on. 

 

_But in the end, separation is the only answer_

It seemed like everything that Junmyeon did was in vain. It wasn’t because Junmyeon didn’t try hard, or harder. It was solely because Yifan has made his decision and no one could shake him. Even Junmyeon. One day between their tight schedule, Junmyeon asked Yifan once again. He expected different answer. But expectation betrayed him.  


“I’ll leave the group, Jun.”  


And that was the beginning of their clashes. The beginning of the same cycle that they went through, a cycle with the same ending.

 

_Don’t hold me back_

“Let me go, Jun.”  


Yifan said it calmly. In fact, he was also trying to hold back his emotion, his shaken voice, his tears, his desire to hug Junmyeon tightly.  


Junmyeon shook his head. He’s not ready. He can’t. Never.  


“Junmyeon.” Yifan called. Tried his best to look in the shorter male’s eyes. But Junmyeon looked away.

 

_You still can see me_  
_You have to believe_  
_I am still your friend_

Yifan streched out his big hand to Junmyeon that night.  


“For what?” Junmyeon asked even though he knew what was that for.  


“For everything,” Yifan replied in soft tone. “For being my best friend, great partner, a good senior based on our training time, for ... everything.”  


Junmyeon smiled sadly. Is this what people called as hurt but not bleed?  


“In the end, no matter how hard I try to make you stay, you’ll leave. Right?” Junmyeon fought an urge to cry right now. He couldn’t do that. Not right now, not in front of Yifan.  


And Junmyeon didn’t sure to feel happy or sad when he saw guilt in Yifan’s eyes.  


“Yeah,” Yifan replied in hoarse voice. Tried his best to avoid eye contact.  


“When?”  


“What?”  


Junmyeon swallowed the knot in his throat. Tried to calm a storm his heart. “When will you leave?”  


“Tomorrow.”  


“Will you go back to China? Or Canada?”  


“Maybe China. Or I’ll just head to Prague. I already have a project there.”  


“Oh.” Junmyeon nodded. “Good luck.”  


“Yeah. Thanks.”  


A tear dropped on Junmyeon’s cheek. He swore to God he didn’t want this. He didn’t want his tear or Yifan’s departure. And the guilt that Yifan felt still couldn’t shake the taller male.  


“Come on, Jun. I’m not going to another galaxy or dimension,” Yifan tried to joking around even though his heart ached. “I am still your friend.”  


At that time, Junmyeon wanted to believe what Yifan said. But as the time went by, Junmyeon doubted that as Yifan never contacted him again.

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, that's it. lol  
> Basically this is my 2nd KrisHo fic and I wrote this in my mother language. And I already posted it in a blog with different pseud.  
> Thus, one day I challenged myself to translate this and here we are. I know it's still far from perfect, so constructive criticism is loved!


End file.
